It was always when Robert had a reason to leave that his boss found more reasons for him to stay. Just as he was finishing his work he saw his boss poke his bald head out from the doorway leading to the office. He knew that could only mean one thing, and, sure enough, the boss came out with a muddle of papers in hand. The fat man moved quick to put himself between his target and the time clock. Robert could feel his blood pump faster from his chest out to his hands; he rubbed his neck to feel his pulse as his throat tightened.
“I need to you to stay over.” Louis announced as he waved the papers over his head and rushed towards Robert.
“I can’t.” Robert said, “I just worked like a madman to get out of here at a decent hour.” He clenched his teeth and felt a flash of heat come over him. He hated saying no to work; it always made him feel like a liar.
“There’s no set hours here, you stay until the job is done.”
Robert looked into the fat man’s eyes and said nothing for as long as he could to show resistance, but he didn’t last as long as he would’ve liked. He felt the adrenaline pulse out of him as he admitted defeat. “I have to make a call. I haven’t had much of a break all day.”
Louis nodded and dropped the papers on the table that stood between him and Robert. He scanned the factory to find his next victim and shuffled off once he was locked on. Without acknowledging the fresh stack of papers Robert went to the break room and started a new pot of coffee before grabbing the phone off the wall. He dialed the only number he had committed to memory and breathed in.
“Hello?”
“Lucy? Hey, it’s Robert. How do you feel about a late dinner?”
There was a moment of silence; he could make out that Lucy wasn’t alone. He heard a giggle and a whisper through the receiver and the room got brighter as his eyes grew wider.
“You’re in love with those noisy machines. When’s the last time you saw daylight?”
“I go outside for smoke breaks” He said with a smile. “Anyway, I’m sorry. I can come over right after, just don’t starve to death, I ‘ll feel bad if you do.”
“Don’t worry about that, I’m starving already. I was just about to go scavenge. Come over when you get off. I’ll either be here or down at the bars.”
Robert could feel his throat getting tight. He looked at the coffee pot and could imagine throwing it across the room. “Alright” was all he could get out as his voice began to shake. The way his voice sounded when he was upset was something he could never control and he hated it. He never wanted to let anyone in on what he was feeling.
“The night should be lively. There’s a few bands and I think some artists are getting together to put on a street exhibit.”
“I’ll see you tonight” He said, cutting himself short again. He hung the phone back up and walked over to the coffee pot. He stood in front of it with his feet planted and arms crossed as he watched the final drops come out. His anger took hold of his thoughts. It was just a few days ago that they had planned on tonight’s dinner. Lucy rattled off her favorite meals, and Robert was determined to cook one to perfection. He had even cooked it all the way through earlier in the week to make sure it came out right. Now he felt like a fool. He thought about the people that he could hear in the background of their conversation. She spoke as if she had completely shed the idea that it was just going to be the two of them tonight. She would always be unavailable because she had plans with other people, but it seemed her plans with Robert weren’t important enough to send anyone else away. He clenched his teeth while he pictured her with other people and he was stuck at work. He hated his job in these moments and wanted to walk out, but what would be the use? Even if he got off work he wouldn’t have her all to himself. He’d rather be at work than competing for her attention with her degrading friends. The best he could do was get work over with as soon as possible. He hoped his absence would at least be assigned some sort of emotion from her, but he didn’t really believe it.
Robert shook his head like a wet dog to rattle the thoughts out of his mind, poured a cup of burnt black coffee and tried to accept that he was at work away from Lucy for the next few hours. On his way out he picked up the phone and slammed it back down on the receiver. The action pulsed the anger out of his body like a white-hot flash from within.
In the doorway to the office, Robert eyed the chair, but chose to stand; not because it would be too casual to welcome himself into the office, but because if he sat after standing all day he wouldn’t be able to get up. He wanted to ride whatever momentum he had and just get work over with and could already feel exhaustion weighing down on his face. He stood there for a moment with a golf ball in his throat and wanted to speak to his boss. He could feel sweat build up on his forehead as he thought about the words that he wanted to say. He never talked to a boss about what he was really thinking because he knew it wasn’t going to make any difference. Bosses don’t care about your home life, they spend all day at work just to escape from their own lives, and Louis was no different. He was nice enough for a boss, but you had to play by his rules. Unless you had a good story about getting too drunk and into some trouble over the weekend he didn’t want to hear about it. He would walk away from guys that got too personal, and those guys never lasted long in the factories. Robert left before he was noticed and made his way back to work.
At his station he was in a fury. He went back to work as if proving something to a lover he never met. He imagined a woman that appreciated a man that put work first. A woman that got aroused at the thought of hard work. A woman that thought of him all day until he returned; one that wouldn’t be in the company of other people as if he didn’t exist. She couldn’t live without him and would never root suspicion. She would be a good woman for a good man.
Robert was focused and the coffee helped. But as the night progressed he slowly filled with obsession. He thought about his boss and felt stress. He thought about how little time he has to himself and how much time he spends in this factory. His frustration grew as much as it could until he finally had to focus it where it truly belonged — Lucy. He felt a shock run through him as he thought it might be true. He was obsessed with her, and mistook it for something beautiful, but now he knew. He hated her. He had spent the entire day thinking of her, and he was sure she’d never return the favor. She disregarded him as if he were a boring headline. All throughout the day before that phone call he had pictured her at home in her kitchen. She would be watching him from the barstool at the counter with a bottle of wine and smiling as he cooked and told stories about the crazy old men in the factories. He thought about that smile a lot, it was the only thing that carried him through most work days.
But she wasn’t thinking about him at all. That entire day she was with someone else. Having drinks, making eye contact, listening and laughing – all with someone else. He imagined her wasting her smile on other people and couldn’t do anything about it until he got off work. He just drank coffee and worked as he played out horrible scenarios in his head until he was so filled with rage and jealousy that he couldn’t pour any more energy into it. His emotions went numb and his body felt heavy. What more could she be doing with someone else?
When work finally came to an end he had to restrain himself from moving too quickly to get out of there. If he was setting himself up for disappointment then he was in no rush to get to it. He wanted to make her wait, he wanted her to be filled with worry the longer she went without seeing him.
Once he was done lying to himself, Robert rushed to the phone and called Lucy. No answer. He poured the last cup of coffee, turned off the machine, and went outside. The night air had a chill to it that clung to the sticky sweat on him. He lit a cigarette and looked up at a streetlight through the smoke. It’s getting late, he thought. Part of him wanted to write her off and never speak to her again. He wanted to just go away and be alone; he was too angry to go see her and have a good time now. Halfway through his cigarette he exhaled a long stream of smoke and made his mind that he would not see her tonight. But it was the tiniest tug on his heart that overpowered his rational thought. He would do everything he could to save even a moment with her. He asked himself why he loved her so much. They were never physical aside from a few kisses that he was able to steal in rare moments. Ones which she would always act as if never happened in such a way that he believed she had the power to change the past. He thought about those kisses and flicked the cigarette into the street. He took a breath to fight off any impending anxiety, but the thought of Lucy enjoying the company of another throttled his heart into a fury.
The part of town that Robert and Lucy lived in wasn’t much more than an outpost for the factories. Nothing built there looked like it was built with the intent of being permanent. At the edge of Industry, Lucy lived a few blocks away from the factories where tree-lined streets blocked the dismal factory skyline from her view, but even the most charitable trees couldn’t keep the feel of a place like that from getting into people. Her house and a handful of others were the hub of an artistic community where people often met before and after their nights out.
Robert lived in an apartment under the factory shadows. He opened the door and threw his keys at the counter and made his way to a bottle of beer. He kicked the fridge door closed behind him and looked out into his living quarters. It was a very welcoming apartment on the inside and you never would’ve guessed it from the outside. He couldn’t understand why Lucy wouldn’t stay during her first and only visit. There was plenty of booze and books, a fireplace, and even a balcony to smoke on that looks out on to one of the more pleasant streets that ran the length to the industrial park. He thought it was all very comforting, but she didn’t even finish her drink before she left. Just skimming the titles of the books alone he thought he had enough to talk to her about for hours. But instead of being enchanted by Robert she left in a hurry and never came back despite his pleas. If he wanted to spend time with her he had to go out into the world of competition just to get a few moments. He really shouldn’t be surprised, he knew how she was. It would be just the two of them, and Lucy could never give all of her attention to just one person. She needed to be someplace where as many people as possible could materialize. She lived off the energy of others.
He finished his beer and thoughts, showered then dressed, not hurrying at all. He was in no rush to discover what he had already suspected. He hoped it was late enough for her to get bored with the night and that she would be home by now, so he set out without calling. He clung to a small bit of hope that when he arrived at her house she would be home and it would be just the two of them until they had lost the fight to stay awake. Lost in a conversation, two souls twisting up to the heavens. If she was not home it would be just as well. He would find her in one of the bars or give up and go straight to getting drunk. Part of him wanted to catch her in the act with another man. He wanted a reason to be angry with her; if she would just give it to him at least he would have the company of his emotions to spend the night with. Anything would be better than being alone, even if the company comes from within.
Robert stood out on the sidewalk with a bottle in his hand, checked to make sure it was the right one, and took a quick inventory of his belongings. Feeling naked after all of his emotions today, he got a sense of security from patting himself down. Preparing himself for the worst, he walked up the stairs and knocked on the door. He jolted in fright as it swung open before he had even finished pulling back his hand. It took him a moment to sturdy himself as he suddenly went from his own thoughts on a lonely orange-lit sidewalk to a jubilee of light and sound and a surge of energy as the warm air from within rushed him.
“Hey, Robert.” Marie said leaning her head on her arm that was grasping the top of the door. She was a tall, striking girl whose outline curved down her length. “I think I heard Lucy come home. Although her consciousness may be a point of debate at this hour.” She stepped back to give him room to enter.
“Great.” Robert mumbled while making his way inside. “Well, would you like a drink?” he asked and went into the kitchen where he pulled two wine glasses from the cabinet and put them on the counter. Robert liked Marie, what little he knew about her, but he was always so focused on Lucy that he never gave chase to her.
“Absolutely” Marie said with a smile and then flew up the stairs to retrieve Lucy. Robert poured a shallow portion of vodka into each glass. He lifted one and threw its entire contents into the back of his throat with a twitch of his neck. He grimaced at the burn and refilled the glass. Marie glided down the stairs “She’s alive! And much better off than we thought. She says she’ll be right down. Wutcha’ got there?”
“Only the finest.” Robert said as he handed Marie her glass. He hoped the sight of Marie enjoying his company would strike a blow to Lucy on some level. He would take any bit of emotion from her, even a small drop of jealousy.
She glanced from the bottle to the glass in her hand. “If we must”, she sighed. They clanged glasses, drew them to their lips, threw back their heads and gulped down the liquor all in one fluid movement. Robert grimaced again and his cheeks began to redden and warm. His empty stomach caught fire and he could feel the warmth creeping through his veins. Marie slammed her glass down and smacked table.
“I knew there was a reason I liked you” Robert said and filled the two glasses again.
“Go easy buddy, it ain’t me you want” Marie said. Lucy’s feet hit the bottom step on “You want.” And Robert blushed at how much she may have heard of that sentence. He didn’t like it that other people knew he wanted her, and he especially didn’t like other people talking about it. Marie glanced from Robert to Lucy while shooting her drink. Robert acknowledged her empty glass and gulped his down.
“I wasn’t sure I’d make it to see you alive” Robert choked out through a cough and grimace.
“Why is that?” she asked. She kept a sterile distance from him through the kitchen to the cabinet and withdrew two wine glasses of her own.
“I figured you’d be worn out from the night” Robert said as he eyed the two glasses and felt a quiver in his throat.
“I wasn’t drinking too much. I promised I would give an honest, sober assessment of some of art. Besides, that crowd is so boring there’s not enough booze in the world to make them lively. Too many outsiders are making their way into our little scene.” Her tone seemed warm and Robert’s hopes grew. He paid no attention to the two wine glasses and pressed on.
“Well you’re in luck. I’ve brought your favorite,” he said and handed her the bottle with the label facing towards her.
Lucy took the bottle and placed it back on the table in between Robert and Marie’s glasses without even looking at it “Ugh, I can’t do any of that right now. I’ll stick with wine. You two have fun, though.”
He felt his throat get tight and his forehead perspire. Mostly he felt like a fool. Luckily Lucy wasn’t looking at him, but Marie was and he could do without the audience. Marie could sense it and opened her mouth to announce her exit, but just then Robert poured himself and Marie another shot, “I guess it’s just you and me in in this bottle together.” He got out before his voice cracked, although he could feel the quiver making its way up from the bottom his throat. Marie didn’t want to be a part of this anymore than Robert did, but accepted the drink to make herself more comfortable.
Lucy was now sitting on the couch in the living room that opened up to the kitchen. She was wearing a men’s shirt that was so long on her it made her look naked from the waist down. She was searching through the newspapers and magazines that lay on the coffee table for a wine-key. Robert grabbed his glass and bottle and made his way towards her, eyeing the dip in the couch that would push their bodies together. Just as he made his way across the room he heard the slap of bare feet hitting the floor at the bottom of the stairs. He caught a figure out of the corner of his eye, and then looked at Lucy and saw her eyes melt in a way he had never seen before. His jealousy emanated so strong that he could feel it bounce off of everything in the house, and was sure the others could too.
The figure went over to the spot next to Lucy and as he did their bodies pushed together. Robert could feel his heart dislodge and fall into his stomach. He went back to the kitchen to pour himself and Marie another drink.
“Easy, cowboy” was all the only thing he heard from Marie through his deafening emotions. He met her eyes at this, looked down, and saw he had filled both glasses to the top with vodka. He realized that his visit was going to be more complicated than he would’ve liked and went to the fridge and got himself and Marie a beer each to slow down their consumption. He handed Marie hers and told her “You don’t have to finish all that.”
“I couldn’t put a good drink to waste.” She said and accepted the beer to chase the vodka with. Marie gave Robert a look of compassion out of view of Lucy. This wasn’t going to be easy, he thought, but the booze gave him just enough confidence to go on. Robert lit a cigarette, let out a puff of smoke and grabbed the wine glass.
*
Robert sat on the steps outside of Lucy’s house. At some point he managed to escape unnoticed, but didn’t know where to go. He felt trapped. He looked up at the orange sky and felt like he was looking up from under the flames of hell. The door creaked open. He heard it close and footsteps behind him. Marie sat down on the step next to him. She put her arm through his and leaned her body against him as if she could feel his torment and was trying absorb it. He let out a puff of smoke and continued his thoughts aloud.
“Not even the light can escape. It bounces off the clouds and is sent right back down to us.”
“I do miss the stars. I haven’t seen one in months. “
“The factories won’t allow it. They never turn off, even when they’re empty. They pump steam and smoke out so you can never catch yourself dreaming”
“The stars give you dreams?”
“They give me hope; they help you look out. You can’t do that in the factories. If you look out you might see something you like and go get it. They always find a way of killing those thoughts and bringing you right back. After a while you’re not capable of looking out, then you just stay here forever.”
“You need to get out before they take away all your stars.”
“It’s impossible. There’s nothing out there, everywhere I go is the same.”
“It sounds like they’ve already won.” Marie lifted her head off Robert’s shoulder. She found two cigarettes, lit them both and passed one to Robert.
“Come with us this weekend, we’re going camping. It will be refreshing, and you need to break free. Don’t worry about Lucy; she’s her own entity that can’t be contained. If you don’t try and fall in love with her you can actually have a good time.”
“You know I can’t. I work.”
“You can too. They can’t hold you prisoner. Just think about it. You need to get out and get some fresh air.” She gave Robert a kiss on the cheek and went inside.
Robert didn’t want the moment to end, but the coldness replaced her warmth and wouldn’t allow him to stretch the feeling out any longer. He looked back at the door and heard it lock. He immediately started thinking of excuses for the weekend. Seeing the outside world would just make it hurt more to come back. He walked down the middle of the street under the flame-sky night, drank what was left in the bottle and threw it out in front of him. The crash of glass on the pavement released only a small portion of his anguish into the universe, but it was enough.
The Flame-Sky Night 